I will not lie to you; I am not the strongest person. I fail, I break, I fall. My biggest problem is that I do not believe in myself. Intellectually, I understand that I am a capable person, but emotionally, I am filled with doubts and insecurities. I know I shouldn't feel this way; all of the people I love have faith in me; God himself created me. I should be able to reconize something worth in my own design. But my heart betrays me.
Even now, I do not believe in these words that I am writing; I do not believe they are turly meaningful. That all of this is self-indulgent and selfish of me, to talk about my problems.
But that is part of the reason I must write. To expose myself, lay my thoughts bare, and find true worth in them. Because I was not created worthless; this is the truth. I was made with a good and meaningful design. I must accept and realize this. For if God himself believes in me, then how can I not believe in myself.
I still have a long ways to go. My journey is not complete, nor will it ever be till the day I die. But I must move on, learn to believe in myself. Anything less is sacreligion.
Even now, I do not believe in these words that I am writing; I do not believe they are turly meaningful. That all of this is self-indulgent and selfish of me, to talk about my problems.
But that is part of the reason I must write. To expose myself, lay my thoughts bare, and find true worth in them. Because I was not created worthless; this is the truth. I was made with a good and meaningful design. I must accept and realize this. For if God himself believes in me, then how can I not believe in myself.
I still have a long ways to go. My journey is not complete, nor will it ever be till the day I die. But I must move on, learn to believe in myself. Anything less is sacreligion.
posted by King O' Mauve at 5:52 PM
1 Comments:
I love your heart...your openness...your authenticity...you gush with genuineness. Read Mark chapter two...where Jesus calls the twelve. He begins by telling them, "I invite you to be with me". This is like saying...come and hang with me...interact with me...live with me...let me affect you...infect you. Then...it says that Jesus called them "Apostles". That's in the very beginning...with unknown commodities...many of whom came from "rough" realities...even a hated collector of taxes. Not exactly the way we find our leaders, eh. But...Jesus sees with eyes that are from another kingdom. His eyes are not "focused" like most of us. He "sees" like we don't. So...what is my point? Simply this: That Jesus chooses what we tend to see...with our human way of seeing..."foolishness"..."weakness"...brokenness". And...the obvious thing for us to pick up on? That the Lord uses very flawed, cracked, weak, floundering, common people. And...He even sets them into a place where they are called to lead others. Because there is something in them that Jesus sees...the "stuff" that leaders in the Kingdom of God are made of. And...that's you Brian Russell.
Matt
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